Into The Vortex

I need to make a decision, and I need to make it fast. In a few short days the 4th Annual Burlington Vortex Conference will be upon us, and I need to decide on which day I will attend. Had the organizers been charging in some sort of space dollars I might have paid full price to attend the entire four-day event, but they were not. It costs real earth dollars to attend a UFO conference such as this, so I'm only going for one day. Because I'll be covering the event for "Milwaukee Magazine", it's vital that I choose wisely...

Do I choose Friday, to get in on the VIP dinner? Or should I go on Saturday, so I can take the Haunted Woods Tour? Or Sunday, so I can get out early?

The choice doesn't get any easier when I look over the speakers list... The crop circle guy is especially appealing, as I've always had an affinity for crop circles. But then so is the guy who has made a surprisingly long-lived career out of investigating the Roswell UFO crash over and over and over again...

Still don't appreciate my difficulties? Read on:

One speaker has written a popular book about a local Wisconsin werewolf, "The Beast of Bray Road."(I've read the book and it has some pretty spooky moments -- "and "my niece and nephew have friends who have actually seen the Beast!). Another speaker has written a book about mysterious ancient fortresses in Ohio, while yet another wants to tell me why aliens want my soul.

Of course there is the obligatory "Atlantis in Wisconsin" seminar, because, of course! Leaving no stone unturned, this same speaker will also address the long-running controversy of the "Red-Haired Giants of Wisconsin." Then there's the guy who will explain how the pyramids relate to the zodiac (complete with a 20-foot star chart), and will explain how to tell an alien from and angel. Didn't know that was a problem, did you?

Then there are the headliners: well-known UFO researcher and nuclear physicist Stanton Friedman and other well-known UFO researcher Kathleen Marden, co-authors of a great UFO book I recently read ("The Interrupted Journey," 7/27/2011). I know I want to hear these two speak, but Marden is there both Saturday and Sunday and Friedman speaks every day of the event!

Maybe now you can feel my pain... How do I choose? I thought it might help to check out the photos of the speakers, but that did no good... most of them look not so much like UFO and werewolf experts as members of the church bake sale committee.

I have an idea, but I'm not sure how well it will work... It involves the Vortex, a rift in the space-time continuum, and being in two places at once. Theoretically, it should work. I'll let you know.